November 5, 2015
And right when I least expected it, there It was.
Its undeniable beauty, charm, and alluring temptation caught my eye like a blinking streetlight in the middle of the night.
It was different from the others I had seen; something about Its vibrant colors and child-like nature made my heart skip a beat.
It called me in.
The way It just loosely drifted where the wind blew It made it impossible to look away, as if It was directly saying "Go ahead. Give me a chance."
And I couldn't say no. I wanted whatever was inside.
I approached It, cautiously but with wonder, slowly but with haste, and took a whack at It.
It jerked away quickly in response and wandered back slowly, completely unbroken.
Without hesitation, I took another swing. This time my efforts left a dent, but It still refused to break.
I hit It another time, this time with more force.
Nothing.
Now the frustration was building inside of my body as my heart began to burn, but I wasn't letting go without a fight. I knew what I wanted. I knew It held promise.
"Enough for today," I said to myself, "maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or the next..."
I came back everyday for weeks upon weeks until they turned into months, but I still couldn't get It to come down from where It was knotted so tightly.
Perhaps someone once tied It a little too securely.
But I wasn't giving up. There were times I almost thought It would open, that Its beautifully colorful pieces would fly through the air as I caught whatever came out of It to keep to myself.
Oh, the joy the vision of that held in my head.
Other times I felt too exhausted, almost to the point of hopeless, as if I had nearly accepted that I wasn't strong enough to keep trying.
"You'll always be there, over my head as I beg you to come down."
But I couldn't walk away,
"It'll be worth all of this effort", I promised myself each night as I faded away to sleep, dreaming of the prize It held.
One day, when the construction of my confidence was almost complete, I pursued another attempt.
But today was different.
Today It was gone.
So I ran, full speed until I could find It.
No matter where It was, I still wanted It.
And just as I thought that maybe now was the time to finally let go, to finally open my clenched fists of the fantasy I pictured beyond Its cardboard walls,
There It was - with all the promise the world could offer, retied somewhere new, and this time not as tightly.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Finally."
Thinking I could take down Its prideful refusal to move with one blow, I went at It with all I had.
But there It stayed, swaying and stubborn over the defeated limbs It was teasing.
"I can't do this anymore!", I shouted at It as if I expected a satisfactory response that might offer comfort, "I can't take another day of this false hope!"
I resented It.
I lost trust in It.
I almost hated It, for all that time It lured me in only to stay right where It was despite Its desperate begging to come down.
I broke.
I picked up my bat and I swung, over and over and over again as if nothing would come next if I failed to complete the mission my heart sent me on so long ago.
I was relentless, fearlessly striking It with controlled yet desperate hands as hot tears revealed themselves from where they had been hiding, and with an exhausted breath I gave in.
And in that moment, as I threw away the bat, I looked up from the ground I had fallen on, to see that
It had broken and almost in slow motion,
As its knotted string slipped loose
And its colored exploded
It
Was
Falling.
And when It finally joined me there on the ground, broken and vulnerable after the fight was fought and the white flags were risen,
I surrendered on my knees in tearful defeat and felt the most heart-wrenching, heavily-sinking disappointment as I studied all of Its aesthetically shattered pieces on the floor.
Because then was when I realized that to my dismay, but not to my surprise, that the entire time
It was Empty.
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